Dear World,

I am so alone. It has finally caught up to me. Everyone else is finding someone. I never thought an analogy by Dane Cook could be so accurate. Today I barely studied for my exams due solely due to me feeling like shit.

I just completely lost interest in this bullshit. FML.

My mind is a nutshell.

If I could fit everything that is running through my mind right now into words I would surpass the greatest writers of our time. Suffice to say that my thoughts take no formal recognition either verbal, visual, emotional or audible. I am the only one capable of understanding them and that's probably for the best. They are the culmination of memories, desires, emotions, feelings, fears, and questions.

Every bad decision finds you one rung lower than before. This is where we return to, that rung. Another bad decision finds us lower; so on and so forth. I worry about my height now.

The bright glow from the computer screen paints me perfect. Each vein can be traced from start to finish; shoulder down my bicep, through the underside of my elbow, across the fore-arm to wrap onto my hands, and disappearing into each finger tip. Every hair looks golden from the back of my hand, thinning to my shoulders. Muscles given extra dimension from shadows. My face is rightly hidden. I squat in my chair like no one would believe. I see things through my bangs.

Tomorrow is rough but I am not afraid. I have been smirking since Friday, finally in tune with the great joke. Its really not that funny.

Reading, watching movies, internet, tv-shows. No time. Job searching, studying.
What about looking for a girl? There isn't a store for those. What a shame.

I won't disturb the slumber, of feelings that have died.
If I never loved, I never would have cried.
I am a rock.
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.

25 Things Facebook Won't Ever Know.

1. I am 100% a hypochondriac. In the past two months I have convinced myself that I have 4 different, incurable sicknesses.

2. Everyday I am disgusted at one point or another at the sickness of my own mind.

3. Sometimes at night I get so horny I have trouble sleeping.

4. I desperately want a girlfriend, and I am to the point of rushing into something without caring even if it will only last for a while.

5. I actually do really enjoy spending time with my parents. The only catch is I want them to initiate it.

6. If I didn't have such good control of my emotions, I would certainly be in jail for rage-related activities.

7. The slightest comment about my looks/personality or whatever can either send me into ecstasy or tumbling into shame/embarrassment.

8. I care very much about what people think of me. To the point where I typically won't buy clothes that I think certain circles of friends won't accept and I also dress according to who I am hanging out with.

9. There is one and only one person who knows some certain very embarrassing secrets about me. This person and me are not, and never have been good friends.

10. Sex is very embarrassing to me.

11. I am talking to someone just to spite another someone.

12. One of my top ten fantasies is for a girl to wear nothing but a stud-belt, choker type necklace, and high heels.

13. I get fucked up because I hate hearing myself talk. I think I sound like a fagot sober.

14. I blame a lot of my underlying problems on my mother. She would kill herself if she knew that. But I still love her.

15. For an arbitrary amount of time after meeting almost any girl, I consider what it would be like to date them and debate whether I want to try. I also always decide not to.

16. I strongly support many radical ideals similar to communism. Although I know true communism is unattainable because of the flaws of human nature, the truth of the matter is that 90% of the human race is fucking retarded and should not be allowed to make decisions that affect the world on the such a large scale.

18. I am very attracted to girls several years younger than me. I also realize the problems this could produce.

19. I have turned down sex way more times than I have had it. I secretly regret it.

20. I absolutely can't stand what this world is coming to. I would have no problem pulling the trigger to execute heads of important companies that are turning this country into a cesspool.

21. I hate football, basketball, and baseball especially when people have unexplainable ties to a certain team. Did you go to school there? Nope. Fuck you.

22. I can't help but think karma is real, or that God rewards and punishes people accordingly. I know Biblically that's wrong, but its just my paranoia shining through.

23. My only defense is disbelief and denial.

24. Almost daily my mom accuses me of thinking of no one but myself. I secretly want to yell back at her, "If I didn't, who the fuck would mom? No body asks me shit about myself, or how I am! No body calls me and wants to hang out, or if they do its to do drugs and even that is seldom! I wake up, drive to class, go to class, eat lunch, eat dinner, do work, go to bed, all fucking alone! Everyone in this world is too busy for me, or too caught up in their own shallow lives to care. No body sees the shit I do for them, or the decisions I make to benefit them. No one knows when I drive around lonely because I'm sick of crying in my own house at night. No body calls just to talk to me. I'm unwanted, undesired, unneeded and unnoticed." I don't yell this at her, but I convince myself that I only do think of myself, and get even more depressed.

25. I think I'm fucking stupid for writing this blog at all.

Dream girl.

I had a dream about my dream girl again. We started off in New York where we went through a subway that had been made into a road block type area in the bad part of town where they searched everyone for drugs. A black dude tried to sneak a joint into my pocket while the cops weren't looking and when they found it, I freaked out and told them it wasn't mine, which they believed. Me and this girl had a pow-wow with all of the roadblock people afterwards where, ironically, we all did tons of different drugs.

Later, we were back home and I visited her house. Met her mom, and brother. Next we were at the fair, constantly holding hands walking around with our friends and her brother. Everyone was buying food, but my constant staring at this angelic creature gave me no appetite, and hindered most of my thought processes to the point of childlike innocence.

I awoke with a pain in my chest which I clutched. The only thing I could feel was the irregular beating of my own heart. Another day... another pain to deal with.

Dreams.

This actually about sums it up.

http://xkcd.com/390/

If theres nothing in it.

I think I've played this game before,
my feet in the air and my head on the floor.
And its all falling down to the ground and I've found,
that nothing will remain the sane direction.

I've been here previously.
You and me, grinding down so mischievously.
Blowing and growing, until the snow stops snowing.
The underworld is back, black like I like my coffee.
WE slowly slip down and out back into the darkness winding
finding
that we can't be sure we're not minding all the things being done to us.
Yes, the drugs are blinding and we have troubling seeing the world outside the windshield.

Pathetically searching, and lurking, working for cash.
Spending it away.
Economics in motion.

A friend once said that the reason she uses
is not because of any abuse, and she doesn't really provide an excuse.
She says it fills that empty space.
You know the one.
This is frightening, as some people have larger spaces than others.

Rorschach's Journal...

Monday, March 23, 2009-
Not a wink of sleep last night. Tried at two. No success. Too much on mind. Thought of math and people, and plans. Haven't slept well for weeks before either. Stomach has hurt for 5 days. Don't know why.

Just finished physics lab for week. Very tired from no sleep. Brick sidewalk began moving earlier. Very strange. Trippy. Doing math work to keep mind off things. Sad.

In Library now. Seventh floor. Just read chapter 10 in Voyage of Dawn Treader. Staring at Harrelson Hall. Looks like carousel. Time for math. Must keep going today. Math. Interview write-up. Study physics. Sleep at eleven.

No more adderall. Makes thoughts fight each other. Tonight's plan; drink nyquil and take benadryl to make sleepy, then take melatonin to encourage body for successive nights. Sounds like good plan.

Have to keep moving.

fucken ell.

I just had a chat with Meghan. Made me realize something.

The sum of my relationships with people these days is based on problems. Talking about problems. My problems, or their problems. This, succinctly put, is bullshit.

I'm sick of hearing about people pal-ing around with their group of friends, getting into mischief, whatever it is "normal" people do. My human interaction is limited to my parents(who I will discuss later), text messages(initiated by myself), and Scott coming over(only when I call him first), to watch a tv show episode or two. Its enough to drive a man mad.

Why does no one want to play with me? Am I annoying? I try not to be... Much of my personality is based on how I think others would want me to act.

My parents drive me crazy. My dad thinks the only thing in my life right now should be school work. He continually hounds me on it, and when I deem not to answer him, he begins giving me some huge piece of advice to live my life by or a story from his college career. My mother is a roller-coaster. Example: Last night my dad, mom, and I went to dinner. My mom and I joked around a lot and she bet me $20 I wouldn't pick up the dessert dish and lick it. Of course I did. She laughed. Earlier that day I had gone down to the kitchen and talked to her about physics and such just to have someone to physically speak with. Well, today all I did was homework which put me in a bad mood, and the Julia thing doesn't help and frankly I have a lot on my mind. She sits down beside me and wants to have a conversation. I'm willing to try... Ok... ...About what, Mom? I'm texting Jessica at this point and answer any scant questions my mom throws me. My dad walks in and my mom gets up, bitches about me not wanting to talk to her and storms off.

Then in the hall a little while later we have a stand off about 20 feet apart. She talks about how she just wants to have a conversation with her son. I said, thats fine, what did you try and start a conversation about? She is unable to answer. She can not get it into her head that you can't simply walk up to someone and have a conversation without a subject. Also when she asks what I'm thinking about, she gets offended when I don't want to answer.

I just got really distracted and lost my train of thought.

Basically I feel very alone. Like no one would miss me if I... for example left tonight.

Oh well.

Julia

I feel confident the only person reading this is Jessica, who already knows everything I am about to say.

I feel like I love Julia. When I'm not with her, she is the only thing on my mind. When I'm with her I can't tear my eyes from her, like when you focus on nothing and seem to lose control of your eyes. I just assume all that means something.

But everyday my heart breaks. She responds to 1/5 of my texts. I can't tell if she ignores me or simply can't text back very often. I don't understand either of those reasons. Maybe she feels like I will get sick of her... If she does, that is foolish. It's been six years, and I'm not sick of her.

I'm scared to call her. She always tells me she hates talking on the phone. So calling just to talk is out. My one way to contact her is to text her, but I'm scared to ask her out via text message. It's one of those taboos I guess.

My greatest fear is that she will get sick of me, change her mind. The only relief for this fear are the fleeting moments I get to spend with her.

I'm nervous around her, like a kid on his first date. She constantly smiles at me. Grabs me by the hand. At the party we went to we were inseparable. She walked, grabbed my hand, I followed. Gladly. We stood still, her back to my front, my arms around her. Momentarily she would turn around, look in my eyes with the most genuine smile and plant deep kisses on my lips, each of which was followed by a smaller kiss. Like a signature. I don't understand how we seem to progress as we are together but always go back to the way it always is when we are apart.

I spend my days waiting for the rose bushes in my backyard to bloom. As soon as they do I will pick the best three. Maybe one. I can't decide. But I will drive to her mom's house at 4 in the morning, park down the street and place them on her windshield. Also there will be a note. It will say, "I'm running out of ways to tell you I need you. I love you." Or something clever like that. I will spray my cologne on the note. No name. The cologne I specifically wore the night of the party, where I knew she would be holding on to me; the cologne she commented on.

Anyways. Here I am again just using this site as an outlet. If you read this Jessica... Please tell me. Text me about it or something.

-I always thought I was her Edward. Maybe I'm just her Jacob.

WHy

My soul is torn, right down the middle.
Life pours from it, soaking everything in proximity.
This explains the fatigue, the lack of desire or direction;
the thin feeling, stretched.
Does time really pass this quickly?
Where did yesterday go. I won't think about today until tomorrow;
terrible cycle.

I want someone to miss me when I'm gone. And I am gone, don't you doubt it.
This world wouldn't be half so lonely with a girl.. That's all I've ever wanted.
But I've run out of chances, the universe is cruel.
Its time for others now, I've had my shots.

Now I have a choice. The apartment. Parties, debauched lifestyle, honest friendship, camaraderie, superficial girlfriend.
Or, live somewhere else. Be the good Christian, it will take time to find others, others may not want me, possible genuine girlfriend(hah).

I wish I had a magic 8 ball.

Gr.

Leave me the fuck alone. Stop being so hypocritical.
I can't wait to leave you.
I'll do what I want.
For now I guess I'll lock myself in my room and read about time travel while not writing a paper.