Monday, March 23, 2009-
Not a wink of sleep last night. Tried at two. No success. Too much on mind. Thought of math and people, and plans. Haven't slept well for weeks before either. Stomach has hurt for 5 days. Don't know why.
Just finished physics lab for week. Very tired from no sleep. Brick sidewalk began moving earlier. Very strange. Trippy. Doing math work to keep mind off things. Sad.
In Library now. Seventh floor. Just read chapter 10 in Voyage of Dawn Treader. Staring at Harrelson Hall. Looks like carousel. Time for math. Must keep going today. Math. Interview write-up. Study physics. Sleep at eleven.
No more adderall. Makes thoughts fight each other. Tonight's plan; drink nyquil and take benadryl to make sleepy, then take melatonin to encourage body for successive nights. Sounds like good plan.
Have to keep moving.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
fucken ell.
I just had a chat with Meghan. Made me realize something.
The sum of my relationships with people these days is based on problems. Talking about problems. My problems, or their problems. This, succinctly put, is bullshit.
I'm sick of hearing about people pal-ing around with their group of friends, getting into mischief, whatever it is "normal" people do. My human interaction is limited to my parents(who I will discuss later), text messages(initiated by myself), and Scott coming over(only when I call him first), to watch a tv show episode or two. Its enough to drive a man mad.
Why does no one want to play with me? Am I annoying? I try not to be... Much of my personality is based on how I think others would want me to act.
My parents drive me crazy. My dad thinks the only thing in my life right now should be school work. He continually hounds me on it, and when I deem not to answer him, he begins giving me some huge piece of advice to live my life by or a story from his college career. My mother is a roller-coaster. Example: Last night my dad, mom, and I went to dinner. My mom and I joked around a lot and she bet me $20 I wouldn't pick up the dessert dish and lick it. Of course I did. She laughed. Earlier that day I had gone down to the kitchen and talked to her about physics and such just to have someone to physically speak with. Well, today all I did was homework which put me in a bad mood, and the Julia thing doesn't help and frankly I have a lot on my mind. She sits down beside me and wants to have a conversation. I'm willing to try... Ok... ...About what, Mom? I'm texting Jessica at this point and answer any scant questions my mom throws me. My dad walks in and my mom gets up, bitches about me not wanting to talk to her and storms off.
Then in the hall a little while later we have a stand off about 20 feet apart. She talks about how she just wants to have a conversation with her son. I said, thats fine, what did you try and start a conversation about? She is unable to answer. She can not get it into her head that you can't simply walk up to someone and have a conversation without a subject. Also when she asks what I'm thinking about, she gets offended when I don't want to answer.
I just got really distracted and lost my train of thought.
Basically I feel very alone. Like no one would miss me if I... for example left tonight.
Oh well.
The sum of my relationships with people these days is based on problems. Talking about problems. My problems, or their problems. This, succinctly put, is bullshit.
I'm sick of hearing about people pal-ing around with their group of friends, getting into mischief, whatever it is "normal" people do. My human interaction is limited to my parents(who I will discuss later), text messages(initiated by myself), and Scott coming over(only when I call him first), to watch a tv show episode or two. Its enough to drive a man mad.
Why does no one want to play with me? Am I annoying? I try not to be... Much of my personality is based on how I think others would want me to act.
My parents drive me crazy. My dad thinks the only thing in my life right now should be school work. He continually hounds me on it, and when I deem not to answer him, he begins giving me some huge piece of advice to live my life by or a story from his college career. My mother is a roller-coaster. Example: Last night my dad, mom, and I went to dinner. My mom and I joked around a lot and she bet me $20 I wouldn't pick up the dessert dish and lick it. Of course I did. She laughed. Earlier that day I had gone down to the kitchen and talked to her about physics and such just to have someone to physically speak with. Well, today all I did was homework which put me in a bad mood, and the Julia thing doesn't help and frankly I have a lot on my mind. She sits down beside me and wants to have a conversation. I'm willing to try... Ok... ...About what, Mom? I'm texting Jessica at this point and answer any scant questions my mom throws me. My dad walks in and my mom gets up, bitches about me not wanting to talk to her and storms off.
Then in the hall a little while later we have a stand off about 20 feet apart. She talks about how she just wants to have a conversation with her son. I said, thats fine, what did you try and start a conversation about? She is unable to answer. She can not get it into her head that you can't simply walk up to someone and have a conversation without a subject. Also when she asks what I'm thinking about, she gets offended when I don't want to answer.
I just got really distracted and lost my train of thought.
Basically I feel very alone. Like no one would miss me if I... for example left tonight.
Oh well.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Julia
I feel confident the only person reading this is Jessica, who already knows everything I am about to say.
I feel like I love Julia. When I'm not with her, she is the only thing on my mind. When I'm with her I can't tear my eyes from her, like when you focus on nothing and seem to lose control of your eyes. I just assume all that means something.
But everyday my heart breaks. She responds to 1/5 of my texts. I can't tell if she ignores me or simply can't text back very often. I don't understand either of those reasons. Maybe she feels like I will get sick of her... If she does, that is foolish. It's been six years, and I'm not sick of her.
I'm scared to call her. She always tells me she hates talking on the phone. So calling just to talk is out. My one way to contact her is to text her, but I'm scared to ask her out via text message. It's one of those taboos I guess.
My greatest fear is that she will get sick of me, change her mind. The only relief for this fear are the fleeting moments I get to spend with her.
I'm nervous around her, like a kid on his first date. She constantly smiles at me. Grabs me by the hand. At the party we went to we were inseparable. She walked, grabbed my hand, I followed. Gladly. We stood still, her back to my front, my arms around her. Momentarily she would turn around, look in my eyes with the most genuine smile and plant deep kisses on my lips, each of which was followed by a smaller kiss. Like a signature. I don't understand how we seem to progress as we are together but always go back to the way it always is when we are apart.
I spend my days waiting for the rose bushes in my backyard to bloom. As soon as they do I will pick the best three. Maybe one. I can't decide. But I will drive to her mom's house at 4 in the morning, park down the street and place them on her windshield. Also there will be a note. It will say, "I'm running out of ways to tell you I need you. I love you." Or something clever like that. I will spray my cologne on the note. No name. The cologne I specifically wore the night of the party, where I knew she would be holding on to me; the cologne she commented on.
Anyways. Here I am again just using this site as an outlet. If you read this Jessica... Please tell me. Text me about it or something.
-I always thought I was her Edward. Maybe I'm just her Jacob.
I feel like I love Julia. When I'm not with her, she is the only thing on my mind. When I'm with her I can't tear my eyes from her, like when you focus on nothing and seem to lose control of your eyes. I just assume all that means something.
But everyday my heart breaks. She responds to 1/5 of my texts. I can't tell if she ignores me or simply can't text back very often. I don't understand either of those reasons. Maybe she feels like I will get sick of her... If she does, that is foolish. It's been six years, and I'm not sick of her.
I'm scared to call her. She always tells me she hates talking on the phone. So calling just to talk is out. My one way to contact her is to text her, but I'm scared to ask her out via text message. It's one of those taboos I guess.
My greatest fear is that she will get sick of me, change her mind. The only relief for this fear are the fleeting moments I get to spend with her.
I'm nervous around her, like a kid on his first date. She constantly smiles at me. Grabs me by the hand. At the party we went to we were inseparable. She walked, grabbed my hand, I followed. Gladly. We stood still, her back to my front, my arms around her. Momentarily she would turn around, look in my eyes with the most genuine smile and plant deep kisses on my lips, each of which was followed by a smaller kiss. Like a signature. I don't understand how we seem to progress as we are together but always go back to the way it always is when we are apart.
I spend my days waiting for the rose bushes in my backyard to bloom. As soon as they do I will pick the best three. Maybe one. I can't decide. But I will drive to her mom's house at 4 in the morning, park down the street and place them on her windshield. Also there will be a note. It will say, "I'm running out of ways to tell you I need you. I love you." Or something clever like that. I will spray my cologne on the note. No name. The cologne I specifically wore the night of the party, where I knew she would be holding on to me; the cologne she commented on.
Anyways. Here I am again just using this site as an outlet. If you read this Jessica... Please tell me. Text me about it or something.
-I always thought I was her Edward. Maybe I'm just her Jacob.
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