Do you know what I just did?

Here I am on an island. Surrounded by mirrors... alternate places, filled with the same items, only different circumstances. While comfort has lasted for 19 years on this island the time has come.

I just built a raft.. And set sail from this island. God helps me steer, and feeds me. The dark is pervading around me, but most of all there is silence. Ear shattering silence. I travel with the hope of reaching one of these mirrored worlds. For the meantime I have become complacent that I will be on this raft for a long time. Alone. Save for God. All is as God wills it.

The silence is dreadful. I don't speak for fear of my own voice. If only there was someone here with me. I suppose that's the point, there isn't. Crushing dark, alone, cold, wet, famished, exhausted, panting, worn out, sick, beaten, deserted. I did not choose this. Not on a conscious level.

Bring me a branch to show me land is near. Help me forget the calls from behind. They lure me back to pain when I travel to a new world.

The tasks are piled on high. Do this do that, prove this, learn that. Like sweatshop workers outputting copies with tiny imperfections. Everyone has done this. Why can't I? It should be so simple. Nothing is given to someone that can not endure it.

That is why, for now, I travel on my raft.

Here I am.

Was I not just here? On my back looking down. Up above where it can not be reached. Within arms grasp, only able to escape. Temporarily.

Knowledge is fleeting. You know only to know; learn to prove you've learnt. Wisdom is unending. The understanding of an ideal. If that is possible, why continue to ask questions. Wisdom is the divine illusion, a medium to prove that the way can be found. Those of us that get so close to truth give hope to others lost in darkness. Clinging bodies hold us down. Where is the glory in ascending alone? Like a friendless life, a life lived for naught.

Patience. The hardest facet of vitality.

They will not fix you, they can not.

To take all pain to fix others. Pain from different sources balled into one. Can it be sorted out? Must it all be dealt with; is there order; is all chaos? Yes, "sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

Nothing is new. To become cleansed is strenuous. Do not dirty yourself with the hopes of a bath later for that is foolishness. Instead do everything in your power to remain clean.

The escape into solitary thoughts is not for the faint. It causes much sorrow and remorse, which grows anger; poison. Now stand up, remain standing. The world is underneath you. Even on your back, the world is underneath you. If one should fall, are they covered by the Earth, no. It is always you who covers the earth. Hands may help you up, but in the dark corners of the world, the ability to get up is crucial, the ability to remain standing is necessary. To show a momentary weakness is to doom oneself to an age of pain. Therefore wear armor, carry a weapon, learn from the stars; they WILL guide you. In all this, a companion is helpful. But, there are places where companions can not go, and it is then that your wisdom will become knowledge.

"Be without fear in the face of your enemies" for they can not harm you.
"Speak the truth, always even if it leads to your death," for truth is an aura of protection.
"Be upright and true, so that God may love thee."
"Safeguard the helpless," for one day, you will need help. "...and do no wrong," for balance is the key to this world and the world provides sufficient wrongdoing."

"That is," all our oaths.

Is this some kind of joke?

I really didn't want this to become a whiney-journal... Oh well.

I was just sitting here, minding my own business doing spanish homework and my mind attacks me with unprovoked thoughts. I have to fight to be a part of every freaking group i have ever been a part of. No one calls me. I always make the effort to hang out. I initiate everything. Its horrible. Its like people could care less whether i am around. I would almost rather they NOT want me around than not care.

Where on Earth am I supposed to find a group of friends? One that won't use me for their own benefits. One that actually wants me around because they like me, enjoy my company. Unless of course I am destined to be some sort of hermit.

That's pretty much where I see my life going. I'm destined to be alone.

Worrying.

In Luke 12:25-26 Jesus says, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you can not do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"

This message is amazing but in the day we live in it is seriously flawed. I am under the impression that life today is much more stressful and busy and demanding that it has ever been in the past. One can not go through life without worry. For example, I just got a 63 on my first chemistry test. That is not good. I can not fail chemistry so I am worrying as a result of the necessity to get better grades. If I didn't worry, I probably wouldn't care and so I would continue to get bad grades.

Where is the happy medium? Obviously Jesus doesn't want us getting stressed about things that aren't important in the grand scheme of things but we can not go through life not caring or worrying about anything.

I seem to have discovered an answer..
Philippians 4:6-7 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Unless I am completely wrong, this passage is telling us to do the following.
When stressed or worrying about something, stop, pray about it and "present your requests to God." Because of that God will guide you to do what is necessary. This is something I can apply to my life this very second.. And I will go do just that.

The Great Purpose

Sometimes I sit and wonder what my great purpose is... This ends fairly quickly because it is not a question that can be answered quickly. Sometimes it seems life would be so much easier to be a martyr. After writing that I realize now that I am completely wrong... A martyr shouldn't know he/she is going to die... otherwise thats suicide..

I guess what I am trying to say is that life is frustrating with out a clear cut purpose. I have been reading my bible a lot more lately and even though as a Christian our purpose is to follow Jesus and his teachings that still is not a clear cut path. I do not know what I am going to be when I grow up or anything.. I guess I need to pray about it more...

First post.

Hello. So, I am fairly dubious about this blogging thing. I really am doubting that many people if anyone will decide to read this but thats ok.

I have been searching for an outlet for a while and that kind of searching can get you into serious trouble. I'm happy to say that I did not get into any serious in any of my searches but here I am now, trying out this whole blogging thing.

I guess here I will just be writing about whatever takes my fancy at the time. And whats really on my mind right now is sort of detoxing myself. Not in the traditional sense however, I just feel like my life needs a lot of changes in order for me to be in the place I want to be. I just started college and so things have changed a lot lately. My work load is hectic and I really suck at time management but then again that is one of the things I am currently working on.

Anyways I realize this is a boring post but the point of it was really just to test out this whole thing and figure out whats what. Hopefully my next ones will be more interesting.

-Coco