I am so alone. It has finally caught up to me. Everyone else is finding someone. I never thought an analogy by Dane Cook could be so accurate. Today I barely studied for my exams due solely due to me feeling like shit.
I just completely lost interest in this bullshit. FML.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
My mind is a nutshell.
If I could fit everything that is running through my mind right now into words I would surpass the greatest writers of our time. Suffice to say that my thoughts take no formal recognition either verbal, visual, emotional or audible. I am the only one capable of understanding them and that's probably for the best. They are the culmination of memories, desires, emotions, feelings, fears, and questions.
Every bad decision finds you one rung lower than before. This is where we return to, that rung. Another bad decision finds us lower; so on and so forth. I worry about my height now.
The bright glow from the computer screen paints me perfect. Each vein can be traced from start to finish; shoulder down my bicep, through the underside of my elbow, across the fore-arm to wrap onto my hands, and disappearing into each finger tip. Every hair looks golden from the back of my hand, thinning to my shoulders. Muscles given extra dimension from shadows. My face is rightly hidden. I squat in my chair like no one would believe. I see things through my bangs.
Tomorrow is rough but I am not afraid. I have been smirking since Friday, finally in tune with the great joke. Its really not that funny.
Reading, watching movies, internet, tv-shows. No time. Job searching, studying.
What about looking for a girl? There isn't a store for those. What a shame.
I won't disturb the slumber, of feelings that have died.
If I never loved, I never would have cried.
I am a rock.
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.
Every bad decision finds you one rung lower than before. This is where we return to, that rung. Another bad decision finds us lower; so on and so forth. I worry about my height now.
The bright glow from the computer screen paints me perfect. Each vein can be traced from start to finish; shoulder down my bicep, through the underside of my elbow, across the fore-arm to wrap onto my hands, and disappearing into each finger tip. Every hair looks golden from the back of my hand, thinning to my shoulders. Muscles given extra dimension from shadows. My face is rightly hidden. I squat in my chair like no one would believe. I see things through my bangs.
Tomorrow is rough but I am not afraid. I have been smirking since Friday, finally in tune with the great joke. Its really not that funny.
Reading, watching movies, internet, tv-shows. No time. Job searching, studying.
What about looking for a girl? There isn't a store for those. What a shame.
I won't disturb the slumber, of feelings that have died.
If I never loved, I never would have cried.
I am a rock.
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries.
Monday, April 20, 2009
25 Things Facebook Won't Ever Know.
1. I am 100% a hypochondriac. In the past two months I have convinced myself that I have 4 different, incurable sicknesses.
2. Everyday I am disgusted at one point or another at the sickness of my own mind.
3. Sometimes at night I get so horny I have trouble sleeping.
4. I desperately want a girlfriend, and I am to the point of rushing into something without caring even if it will only last for a while.
5. I actually do really enjoy spending time with my parents. The only catch is I want them to initiate it.
6. If I didn't have such good control of my emotions, I would certainly be in jail for rage-related activities.
7. The slightest comment about my looks/personality or whatever can either send me into ecstasy or tumbling into shame/embarrassment.
8. I care very much about what people think of me. To the point where I typically won't buy clothes that I think certain circles of friends won't accept and I also dress according to who I am hanging out with.
9. There is one and only one person who knows some certain very embarrassing secrets about me. This person and me are not, and never have been good friends.
10. Sex is very embarrassing to me.
11. I am talking to someone just to spite another someone.
12. One of my top ten fantasies is for a girl to wear nothing but a stud-belt, choker type necklace, and high heels.
13. I get fucked up because I hate hearing myself talk. I think I sound like a fagot sober.
14. I blame a lot of my underlying problems on my mother. She would kill herself if she knew that. But I still love her.
15. For an arbitrary amount of time after meeting almost any girl, I consider what it would be like to date them and debate whether I want to try. I also always decide not to.
16. I strongly support many radical ideals similar to communism. Although I know true communism is unattainable because of the flaws of human nature, the truth of the matter is that 90% of the human race is fucking retarded and should not be allowed to make decisions that affect the world on the such a large scale.
18. I am very attracted to girls several years younger than me. I also realize the problems this could produce.
19. I have turned down sex way more times than I have had it. I secretly regret it.
20. I absolutely can't stand what this world is coming to. I would have no problem pulling the trigger to execute heads of important companies that are turning this country into a cesspool.
21. I hate football, basketball, and baseball especially when people have unexplainable ties to a certain team. Did you go to school there? Nope. Fuck you.
22. I can't help but think karma is real, or that God rewards and punishes people accordingly. I know Biblically that's wrong, but its just my paranoia shining through.
23. My only defense is disbelief and denial.
24. Almost daily my mom accuses me of thinking of no one but myself. I secretly want to yell back at her, "If I didn't, who the fuck would mom? No body asks me shit about myself, or how I am! No body calls me and wants to hang out, or if they do its to do drugs and even that is seldom! I wake up, drive to class, go to class, eat lunch, eat dinner, do work, go to bed, all fucking alone! Everyone in this world is too busy for me, or too caught up in their own shallow lives to care. No body sees the shit I do for them, or the decisions I make to benefit them. No one knows when I drive around lonely because I'm sick of crying in my own house at night. No body calls just to talk to me. I'm unwanted, undesired, unneeded and unnoticed." I don't yell this at her, but I convince myself that I only do think of myself, and get even more depressed.
25. I think I'm fucking stupid for writing this blog at all.
2. Everyday I am disgusted at one point or another at the sickness of my own mind.
3. Sometimes at night I get so horny I have trouble sleeping.
4. I desperately want a girlfriend, and I am to the point of rushing into something without caring even if it will only last for a while.
5. I actually do really enjoy spending time with my parents. The only catch is I want them to initiate it.
6. If I didn't have such good control of my emotions, I would certainly be in jail for rage-related activities.
7. The slightest comment about my looks/personality or whatever can either send me into ecstasy or tumbling into shame/embarrassment.
8. I care very much about what people think of me. To the point where I typically won't buy clothes that I think certain circles of friends won't accept and I also dress according to who I am hanging out with.
9. There is one and only one person who knows some certain very embarrassing secrets about me. This person and me are not, and never have been good friends.
10. Sex is very embarrassing to me.
11. I am talking to someone just to spite another someone.
12. One of my top ten fantasies is for a girl to wear nothing but a stud-belt, choker type necklace, and high heels.
13. I get fucked up because I hate hearing myself talk. I think I sound like a fagot sober.
14. I blame a lot of my underlying problems on my mother. She would kill herself if she knew that. But I still love her.
15. For an arbitrary amount of time after meeting almost any girl, I consider what it would be like to date them and debate whether I want to try. I also always decide not to.
16. I strongly support many radical ideals similar to communism. Although I know true communism is unattainable because of the flaws of human nature, the truth of the matter is that 90% of the human race is fucking retarded and should not be allowed to make decisions that affect the world on the such a large scale.
18. I am very attracted to girls several years younger than me. I also realize the problems this could produce.
19. I have turned down sex way more times than I have had it. I secretly regret it.
20. I absolutely can't stand what this world is coming to. I would have no problem pulling the trigger to execute heads of important companies that are turning this country into a cesspool.
21. I hate football, basketball, and baseball especially when people have unexplainable ties to a certain team. Did you go to school there? Nope. Fuck you.
22. I can't help but think karma is real, or that God rewards and punishes people accordingly. I know Biblically that's wrong, but its just my paranoia shining through.
23. My only defense is disbelief and denial.
24. Almost daily my mom accuses me of thinking of no one but myself. I secretly want to yell back at her, "If I didn't, who the fuck would mom? No body asks me shit about myself, or how I am! No body calls me and wants to hang out, or if they do its to do drugs and even that is seldom! I wake up, drive to class, go to class, eat lunch, eat dinner, do work, go to bed, all fucking alone! Everyone in this world is too busy for me, or too caught up in their own shallow lives to care. No body sees the shit I do for them, or the decisions I make to benefit them. No one knows when I drive around lonely because I'm sick of crying in my own house at night. No body calls just to talk to me. I'm unwanted, undesired, unneeded and unnoticed." I don't yell this at her, but I convince myself that I only do think of myself, and get even more depressed.
25. I think I'm fucking stupid for writing this blog at all.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Dream girl.
I had a dream about my dream girl again. We started off in New York where we went through a subway that had been made into a road block type area in the bad part of town where they searched everyone for drugs. A black dude tried to sneak a joint into my pocket while the cops weren't looking and when they found it, I freaked out and told them it wasn't mine, which they believed. Me and this girl had a pow-wow with all of the roadblock people afterwards where, ironically, we all did tons of different drugs.
Later, we were back home and I visited her house. Met her mom, and brother. Next we were at the fair, constantly holding hands walking around with our friends and her brother. Everyone was buying food, but my constant staring at this angelic creature gave me no appetite, and hindered most of my thought processes to the point of childlike innocence.
I awoke with a pain in my chest which I clutched. The only thing I could feel was the irregular beating of my own heart. Another day... another pain to deal with.
Later, we were back home and I visited her house. Met her mom, and brother. Next we were at the fair, constantly holding hands walking around with our friends and her brother. Everyone was buying food, but my constant staring at this angelic creature gave me no appetite, and hindered most of my thought processes to the point of childlike innocence.
I awoke with a pain in my chest which I clutched. The only thing I could feel was the irregular beating of my own heart. Another day... another pain to deal with.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
If theres nothing in it.
I think I've played this game before,
my feet in the air and my head on the floor.
And its all falling down to the ground and I've found,
that nothing will remain the sane direction.
I've been here previously.
You and me, grinding down so mischievously.
Blowing and growing, until the snow stops snowing.
The underworld is back, black like I like my coffee.
WE slowly slip down and out back into the darkness winding
finding
that we can't be sure we're not minding all the things being done to us.
Yes, the drugs are blinding and we have troubling seeing the world outside the windshield.
Pathetically searching, and lurking, working for cash.
Spending it away.
Economics in motion.
A friend once said that the reason she uses
is not because of any abuse, and she doesn't really provide an excuse.
She says it fills that empty space.
You know the one.
This is frightening, as some people have larger spaces than others.
my feet in the air and my head on the floor.
And its all falling down to the ground and I've found,
that nothing will remain the sane direction.
I've been here previously.
You and me, grinding down so mischievously.
Blowing and growing, until the snow stops snowing.
The underworld is back, black like I like my coffee.
WE slowly slip down and out back into the darkness winding
finding
that we can't be sure we're not minding all the things being done to us.
Yes, the drugs are blinding and we have troubling seeing the world outside the windshield.
Pathetically searching, and lurking, working for cash.
Spending it away.
Economics in motion.
A friend once said that the reason she uses
is not because of any abuse, and she doesn't really provide an excuse.
She says it fills that empty space.
You know the one.
This is frightening, as some people have larger spaces than others.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Rorschach's Journal...
Monday, March 23, 2009-
Not a wink of sleep last night. Tried at two. No success. Too much on mind. Thought of math and people, and plans. Haven't slept well for weeks before either. Stomach has hurt for 5 days. Don't know why.
Just finished physics lab for week. Very tired from no sleep. Brick sidewalk began moving earlier. Very strange. Trippy. Doing math work to keep mind off things. Sad.
In Library now. Seventh floor. Just read chapter 10 in Voyage of Dawn Treader. Staring at Harrelson Hall. Looks like carousel. Time for math. Must keep going today. Math. Interview write-up. Study physics. Sleep at eleven.
No more adderall. Makes thoughts fight each other. Tonight's plan; drink nyquil and take benadryl to make sleepy, then take melatonin to encourage body for successive nights. Sounds like good plan.
Have to keep moving.
Not a wink of sleep last night. Tried at two. No success. Too much on mind. Thought of math and people, and plans. Haven't slept well for weeks before either. Stomach has hurt for 5 days. Don't know why.
Just finished physics lab for week. Very tired from no sleep. Brick sidewalk began moving earlier. Very strange. Trippy. Doing math work to keep mind off things. Sad.
In Library now. Seventh floor. Just read chapter 10 in Voyage of Dawn Treader. Staring at Harrelson Hall. Looks like carousel. Time for math. Must keep going today. Math. Interview write-up. Study physics. Sleep at eleven.
No more adderall. Makes thoughts fight each other. Tonight's plan; drink nyquil and take benadryl to make sleepy, then take melatonin to encourage body for successive nights. Sounds like good plan.
Have to keep moving.
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